Forever…And Ever

     So deep within me, I have always known that my children are their own persons, not owned by me but guided by lessons I have learned. Loved and accepted unconditionally, they are truly separate beings from myself and their father. Yet, it is during the tough times, when I call upon myself to remember this. The moments when I want to pull my children close, fix their problems and make the world a blissful, rosy place for them. Like that first birthday…so long ago. Everyone so happy and life so light- a milestone met with gifts and glee. But life is simply not birthday parties and celebrations. I know it isn’t and I shake my head to clear it of the nonsense. Real life is gutsy, hard decisions to be made, life altering experiences to be had. I admit as a mother it is extremely difficult to stand beside them instead of hovering over them. Yet in my soul I know that my children must live their life as their own and not as an extension of mine.

     It is just that those difficult days are so damn hard-much harder than my own. The pain of my children becomes magnified a hundred times by my heart. Yet, I must remember such times are owned by them and not mine to take away. The tough times help make us who we are and I can not withhold this important learning process from them.

    I savor watching my children succeed, triumph over adversity and look ahead with confidence. I can appreciate that they have made their own decisions and will live and learn by them. I love them deeply, admire them greatly, and will continue to remind myself to respect their life as their own. Alas, I do not wear their shoes nor tread in their footsteps. I was never meant to do so. I will always walk alongside them in life as they find their way. Such is my promise as a parent and one that I will keep forever …and ever.

 

My Regrets

Cattails 

     Regret…a rather heavy word that weighs one down like extra clothing. Making it uncomfortable to move freely in life, always reminding of its presence. I try not to accommodate regret as I intentionally move it to the farthest corner of my thoughts. It is hard not to soak oneself in such misgivings yet the damp chill is unhealthy for hopes and dreams of the future. We all have had times when we made choices we did not like. Life is full of choices. Our day starts with a choice- when to get up and ends with one- when to go to bed. Every twist and turn in existence is a choice. Every breath followed by action derived …by choice. Some of them seem to dance in the sun, some seem to give us sorrow and …regret. But how sweet would the dance be without the sorrow. I can take the sorrow. It melts with time like the winter snow. It is regret that one must be wary of as it stings as long as one holds it close.

     I don’t carry regrets long in my life. I have had struggles and learned lessons but I refuse to lament my decisions. I think that looking too long at the past can cause one to stumble as they walk towards the future. Validate it…accept it….let it go. Sometimes this is hard and the shoulda and coulda find their way out. They stir the pot and place regret on the table. I smile, breathe a very deep and slow breath and I say “not today thank you.” I would rather eat alone with my thoughts and me. No regrets… I find them just too hard to swallow.