If Only And Almost

Fields Near My Home

     Today my world was pulled deep into pools of thought. My mind was filled with “if only” and “almost” and all of those words that make me feel like I am hanging on the edge of a cliff. Words that carry life changing meanings in the blink of one’s eye. A day of life defining moments. Not my first – not my last.

     Today I was late getting ready for work. One of those times when nothing, absolutely nothing seemed the right fit or color. It is a woman’s conflict and I imagine every feminine soul out there has gone through this at least once. I piled the clothes on the spare bed and glanced repeatedly at the clock. I knew I was going to be late.

     Finally I took my usual route to work, rural back roads for part of my trip. And then the “almosts” and “if onlys” invaded my head and numbed me- I came upon a very serious accident which had happened moments before I arrived. A woman and baby were hit by a truck and her car was crushed around her legs. Three of us were there trying to take control of the situation, contact authorities, stop any traffic and reassure her. She seemed in terrific agony and I am sure it felt like hours to her before the ambulances arrived. Eventually, she was cut out of the vehicle and rushed to a life flight. I hope that the woman I briefly met fully recovers. Her life forever changed in those moments. Mine too but in a very different way.

     I could not help but think about the accident all day. It almost had been me rounding that corner. If only I had not taken so long at home. And these are the thoughts that meditate inside me…they push me to explore the whys of the world. Yes, my family and friends are relieved that I am safe. I am relieved that I am safe. But I am no more blessed than that woman. I refuse to go there. I refuse to believe that somehow I earned a pass today. I am no more special than another.

 I am a spiritual person but not a religious person- in the fundamental sense. Today was very spiritual for me. It was a day of reflection on life, a time when the fragility of living comes into focus. A time when living in the present smacks me in the face and yells “wake up.” I don’t know what tomorrow will bring me. I don’t know if I will rise in the morning or be here to lie down tomorrow night. But at this moment I live simply as me. I take a deep breath and feel myself grounded in the present. This day has given me another reminder of how delicate and vitreous life is for us all. 

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