I wish to thank you for your undying,extreme patience. Such a virtue that not many possess, including me. But you, you are something special. Your guidance is unending and your calm demeanor astounds me. There are times when we seem in such a state of panic, the anxiety rises as the road ahead seems so unsure. Your confidence pulls us through every time. I will say that I would not be upset if just once you blurted out maybe a word or two in exasperation. I would truly understand. Sometimes, I think I hear a bit of tenseness, quite similar to that of a parent talking with a clenched jaw after 10 minutes of a child that does not listen. Say it is so, tell me that I am not just imagining all of this. Just once do not announce that you are willing to “recalculate” but let it out…it would make me smile and that tenseness I am beginning to note, I think that may be alleviated as well. Thank you again for your services Maggie Magellan.
Did you hear it go? The briefest of moments has past – now mingled in with yesterday. It slipped beyond possibility and hope and lies within memories and undone business. I never hear it leave yet I know when it is missed. Like the sunset, when I briefly turn away…gone.
So once again I will reach ahead and plan to grab some moments before me, pull them closer and not waste them by looking away. In order to “catch the moment” I must embrace it with hope, desire and a willingness to see it through, even if it is not to my original intent or liking. I remind myself that moments are like clay, they can be softened and molded and created. The artistry is in the inspiration. The inspiration is in the knowledge. The knowledge is in the soul. The masterpiece is made when I let my soul create and not my ego. It is then that I can step back and enjoy the moment and call it mine.
It is hard and takes ongoing practice to live in the present. Negativity and pessimism tend to weigh down and drag out my thoughts. I have come to liken them to unwelcome visitors, I try to move them along without much ado. There are those days that they repeatedly knock at my door.
So as I sit here and tap away…so do the moments before me. Yet these writing moments tend to float and drift rather than briskly rush into the past. They linger with just a hint of possibility. They give me reassurance that tomorrow is just a moment away…filled with unending opportunities to open my present to myself. Now I ask you, do you have a moment to spare?
My life is filled with dreams, desires and dandelions. Those pesky little sprouting weeds of thought. As hopes and plans germinate lists in my head…some find their way to pen and paper- others are left unattended. The neglected ones multiply daily thus the dandelions quickly and effortlessly emerge.
Like many planners, I tend to strategize and trick myself into a false sense of internal organization- all under the guise of control. But I can never rid myself of those pesky dandelions. Upon rising to start a new day, they greet me, calling attention to themselves…reminding me that I am really never in control.
There is something to learn from the dandelions of life. While I could continuously pull and dig, pick and spray, they seem to always find a way back into my life. I am now trying to appreciate their sunny yellow bright flower- much like I did as a child. I am now attempting to stand up a bit to tomorrows’ lists and desires. Admiring today for what it is – is most important…dandelions and all.
Some days I ask so much of you. I fear you may revolt against me. Yet the way you hold me together amazes me. I know it is difficult and sometimes you do so very reluctantly. I cause you a lot of stress sometimes. I know this… I am sorry. But you rarely fuss long and cause me problems. You are most flexible – I take you for granted.
But I won’t deny we have had our moments. Those times when you get out of sorts…just so disconnected. I get exasperated and take it out on you. I know that you are not at fault. But my own shortcomings are hard to face sometimes and I place the blame elsewhere. I take you for granted.
Tomorrow is another day. I will call upon you as I get ready for work. You will be there for me. I will promise you a thousand times that I will make life easier on you in the days to come. Hasn’t worked out so far has it? But I will try.
And when I grasp your pull and your teeth begin to clench- I will not take you for granted. Just make it to the stop for me without hesitation. We will then remain friends for another day. I thank you dear zipper and I will no longer take you for granted. I promise.
The chicken round-up…a competitive, down and dirty, sweaty sport played on our farm. Those ladies know how to stagger and dash quicker than an NBA point guard headed down the arena floor. Recently I agreed to participate in a little early morning one-on-one with one of the fab four as she had made her way across the road into land untraveled- by chickens. Dressed in work clothes and pulling out of the drive, I spied the little feathered adventure seeker as she victoriously strutted and pranced not knowing what danger waited silently nearby. I pondered for a moment…looked at my high heels and just for the briefest of time…thought to let her go and see what happens. But I then quickly decided to take up the challenge as she was way over her head in this. The round-up was on. Her three squawking cheerleaders poked their heads through the fence line and chanted incessantly as they watched my approach. We engaged in a few moments of “run-n-grab” before I knew I needed to change tactics. We stared at each other not daring to flinch. And then…in one big swoop I had her in my hands. Her wings were fluttering and the cheering section was agog with bawks and cackles. I returned her to the safety of the big green pastures and open fields and I dared ask the age-old question….”why did the chicken cross the road…?” She never answered me.
This time it was not a certain song possessing poetic words that tugged at my soul whisking me back to times once known. It was not a particular sentimental fragrance that pulled me into my yesterdays. It was but a simple floor tile of yellow, green and black. That fifties tile recently uncovered during a renovation after many years of being hushed and hidden beneath our feet. A flood of memories to be true, that rushed through my head and heart as I stood in wonder. Memories of paper dolls, coloring books, and my beloved chalkboard where I taught school to the empty chairs lined up proper before me. A rare cherry cigar or pipe smoked by my father as we watched Wild Kingdom and Walt Disney with popcorn and Pepsi Cola. Adventurous winter days of cooking hot dogs in the fireplace or just watching the fire snap and crackle while wrapped up in a favorite blanket. Days with cousins, aunts and uncles as we filled the house with constant chatter and much laughter. Projector screen and slides shown at days end with the curtains drawn, ooing and ahhhing to life as remembered with simple reverence to days gone by. Music being played on the record player- careful not to jump and skip the vinyl while dancing to the Twist and Cha Cha Cha. Oh the days brought back by the simple floor tile…Christmas trees, Thanksgiving tables and hidden Easter eggs. Grandchildren and their first steps as well as family together grieving the loss of my mother….all memories held in the space of this room supported by the tile floor underneath So strong, so sturdy, yet silent. Only asking for a buffing and wax in the early days. But as style dictated, covered with various carpets throughout the years. The old carpets are gone…torn out and rolled up and thrown away. But the tile…ever faithful to this day. Alas, we both know that soon once again to be covered and tucked away for discovery sometime in the future. I only wonder if it will be me peering upon the yellow, green and black or someone new …someone who has no idea the richness of the memories quietly possessed within.
Some thoughts on what I am thankful for….I have limited myself to those random thoughts that immediately flooded my head…the ones that rushed in as I opened the gates. They seemed most eager to express themselves…yet know there are many more unwritten that I have not pulled from my heart and painted with words.
I am thankful for the wonderful yellow sun…warming me from inside out and making me squint into a wrinkled smile – I can not imagine life without it
I am thankful for the summer breeze that cools my skin when I think I can barely take the sweltering heat of the sun for one more minute
I am thankful for spring which is the earth’s promise to me that new life is forthcoming and once again I will be captivated by rows of exquisite flowers for sale with lush shades of color coaxing me to once more try my hand at gardening
I am thankful for the autumn change of leaves, the beauty of which astounds me and takes away my sadness at my gardening failures now withering before me
I am thankful for the brisk winter cold, for without it I don’t know if I would fully appreciate the ongoing heat of the summer
I am thankful for the courtesy of others, strangers who hold the door open when my hands are full- I hope to return the favor by instinct and not obligation
I am thankful for the kindness of others, who are willing to acknowledge my presence with a smile or a hello, as I hope to do in return
I am thankful for color…..what would life be like in black and white…never to look at the sunset or sunrise with the amazing glows of pinks, reds and purples…the green grass after a rain…and the blue sky above me….oh I could go on about color which is one of my favorite things in life
I am thankful for love…the feeling of completeness that it gives me…purpose…and connection with others. My friends and my family, loved ones here and gone- so important to my past and imprinted onto my future and always present
I am thankful for those who have taught me about the hardships of life: pain, fear, suffering. For without their courage, my life would not be the same. Showing me that life is so much more and coaxing me to think outside of the box time and time again.
I am so thankful for those who encourage my dreams and hopes and love me for who I am. Laughing with me at life and holding me when I cry. They accept my quirks, my off track thoughts and liberal values.
I am thankful for awakening the ability to feel compassion and empathy for others- I truly feel connected to a life truth in some way as I witness another’s life with a semblance of understanding. A gift so to speak that we all have – yet many never opened. I love this particular awakening and encourage anyone else to seek it.
I am thankful for my breath- for the ability to draw upon it at those moments when stress and emotions take hostage of my body, a deep intoxicating breath that grounds my feet and clears my head. Always there to the end, breath gets me through the hardest moments.
I am thankful for my days upon this earth, and if I should end my time here tomorrow…I would be thankful for having experienced this amazing journey.