I wish to thank you for your undying,extreme patience. Such a virtue that not many possess, including me. But you, you are something special. Your guidance is unending and your calm demeanor astounds me. There are times when we seem in such a state of panic, the anxiety rises as the road ahead seems so unsure. Your confidence pulls us through every time. I will say that I would not be upset if just once you blurted out maybe a word or two in exasperation. I would truly understand. Sometimes, I think I hear a bit of tenseness, quite similar to that of a parent talking with a clenched jaw after 10 minutes of a child that does not listen. Say it is so, tell me that I am not just imagining all of this. Just once do not announce that you are willing to “recalculate” but let it out…it would make me smile and that tenseness I am beginning to note, I think that may be alleviated as well. Thank you again for your services Maggie Magellan.
Did you hear it go? The briefest of moments has past – now mingled in with yesterday. It slipped beyond possibility and hope and lies within memories and undone business. I never hear it leave yet I know when it is missed. Like the sunset, when I briefly turn away…gone.
So once again I will reach ahead and plan to grab some moments before me, pull them closer and not waste them by looking away. In order to “catch the moment” I must embrace it with hope, desire and a willingness to see it through, even if it is not to my original intent or liking. I remind myself that moments are like clay, they can be softened and molded and created. The artistry is in the inspiration. The inspiration is in the knowledge. The knowledge is in the soul. The masterpiece is made when I let my soul create and not my ego. It is then that I can step back and enjoy the moment and call it mine.
It is hard and takes ongoing practice to live in the present. Negativity and pessimism tend to weigh down and drag out my thoughts. I have come to liken them to unwelcome visitors, I try to move them along without much ado. There are those days that they repeatedly knock at my door.
So as I sit here and tap away…so do the moments before me. Yet these writing moments tend to float and drift rather than briskly rush into the past. They linger with just a hint of possibility. They give me reassurance that tomorrow is just a moment away…filled with unending opportunities to open my present to myself. Now I ask you, do you have a moment to spare?
Capturing the right words to express my pure love and gratitude for you…well it is much like trying to take hold of the sweet summer breeze that gently brushes my face. A daunting task as I cherish you beyond description.
Life can bring many storms upon my door. I find that you unselfishly provide me with a shelter of warmth, compassion, respect, safety and stability…when the clouds have gathered and the thunder roars.
Life can bring darkness, despair and a chill to my heart. Your love is my sunshine that chases away the bitter cold and brightens my soul.
Life can bring many challenges and obstacles. Difficult days yet with you I feel hope, encouragement and a precious peace. I look towards tomorrow and dare to dream with you by my side.
But not to forget, life can bring laughter, celebration and exquisite joy. This I have found with you. I absolutely could not imagine life any other way. I believe that I have known you forever and a day and I will love you every bit as long…or longer.
My life is filled with dreams, desires and dandelions. Those pesky little sprouting weeds of thought. As hopes and plans germinate lists in my head…some find their way to pen and paper- others are left unattended. The neglected ones multiply daily thus the dandelions quickly and effortlessly emerge.
Like many planners, I tend to strategize and trick myself into a false sense of internal organization- all under the guise of control. But I can never rid myself of those pesky dandelions. Upon rising to start a new day, they greet me, calling attention to themselves…reminding me that I am really never in control.
There is something to learn from the dandelions of life. While I could continuously pull and dig, pick and spray, they seem to always find a way back into my life. I am now trying to appreciate their sunny yellow bright flower- much like I did as a child. I am now attempting to stand up a bit to tomorrows’ lists and desires. Admiring today for what it is – is most important…dandelions and all.
Some days I ask so much of you. I fear you may revolt against me. Yet the way you hold me together amazes me. I know it is difficult and sometimes you do so very reluctantly. I cause you a lot of stress sometimes. I know this… I am sorry. But you rarely fuss long and cause me problems. You are most flexible – I take you for granted.
But I won’t deny we have had our moments. Those times when you get out of sorts…just so disconnected. I get exasperated and take it out on you. I know that you are not at fault. But my own shortcomings are hard to face sometimes and I place the blame elsewhere. I take you for granted.
Tomorrow is another day. I will call upon you as I get ready for work. You will be there for me. I will promise you a thousand times that I will make life easier on you in the days to come. Hasn’t worked out so far has it? But I will try.
And when I grasp your pull and your teeth begin to clench- I will not take you for granted. Just make it to the stop for me without hesitation. We will then remain friends for another day. I thank you dear zipper and I will no longer take you for granted. I promise.
It becomes part of our being, hugging us like skin. Not something that you can slip off at night and toss on the floor with the clothing of the day. No, attitude is much deeper and harder to change. Attitude begins to grow within us as babies when we are introduced to the world around us. We learn to love, we learn to hate, we learn to discern as bad and good. Yet somewhere along the journey of life, some of us may find ourselves consumed with the negative…like straining to see in the dark of the night…only making out the bad things around us.
Many times a parent declares, “I don’t like your attitude” or “you need to change your attitude” without understanding how difficult this process of change can be… We are asking one to quickly morph into another… or face our consequences. Yet we as parents have helped define their attitudes. Combine that with the world we currently live in…wow it is a ticking time bomb. Take a moment and consider that children are living in a very complex world today. You and I may have walked a mile to school (I confess I did not) but we never dealt with the intensity and gravity of cyber bullying. We may have had to eat what was on our plate or go hungry ( I hated roast beef) yet we never felt the aggression and severe emotional pressure many kids of today experience. Today for fun, our children occupy their time with a never-ending visual stimulation of violence through our media and high def gaming videos. They kill with a deft handling the game a skill once acquired by playing jacks or marbles. They watch live social media capturing death, destruction, mayhem and violence. Some kids have had siblings, friends, parents die on the streets. Today doomsday preppers are glamorized on tv as they are proudly hording guns and ammunition…life and death, killing and survival concepts discussed as matter of fact like cooking shows and recipes. It has become a harsh world. Attitudes become armor to protect from that which is so difficult to deal with in life. And we are partially responsible as parents. As adults we become blind to the attitudes we carry as we strive to make the dollar, pay the bills and seek our own escape from the craziness. But we all travel with deep feelings and beliefs that keep us separated from each other. And we teach our children to do the same. Attitudes, they are so hard to change…
So what happens to tomorrow if there is not a positive shift in attitude? What happens if the adults do not begin to see that their bigotry, intolerance and closed minds are imprinted upon their children? I do not want to go there. Attitude…while deeply ingrained does carry ability to change. We see an epiphany realized by the family who adamantly declares strong anti-gay attitudes…until a loved one comes out. We see the ability to empathize during a natural catastrophe…as strangers extend a hand or even risk their life for another. Why is it only then that we are willing to see beyond the dark…why is it only then that we feel we are all a part of a larger whole? Those beautiful moments when a connection of respect for life of another is made with no thought of what is to be gained in return- action without attitude.
I often wonder why we wait until desperate times to rise above our attitudes. Why do we join the cause only after we feel personally affected by the war. Cancer, poverty, unemployment, inequality, gun violence, bullying, racism, sexual abuse, domestic violence, addiction…on and on they march in front of us. Our attitudes block us from the fight unless life has chosen to throw us through the ropes. Only then do many of us awaken and see that the fight is worthy. We take up our sword and add cause to our existence. But I ask, why wait?
I watched her run, hair flying in the wind… barrettes clinging to but a strand of blonde hair. I knew then that there would come a day. I stood with her as she gritted her teeth and refused to cry as injections became part of her life so early on. I knew then that there would come a day. I smiled as she danced in new dresses, twirling around in pure delight in the store dressing rooms. Oh there would come a day, I told myself under my breath. A time when she was no longer mine. I knew I never owned her but I had her time, her attention, her hand and her heart. That sweet little hand that squeezed mine tightly with pure love. We spent many carefree moments, her on my hip as we swooned to music in the midst of the morning. Yet I knew there would come a day.
I watched her so tenderly care for her baby doll. I recall the day she painfully decided she was too old to play with her beloved babies any longer. I knew there would come a day. I swore she could come to me with anything, I promised my heart and her. I would listen, I would provide my advice if she asked…I would not judge. We shared butterfly kisses and declared our love to be greater than the universe. I knew there would come a day.
I watched her gain self-confidence, determination and guts that I never had possessed. I saw this little girl become a teenager filled with such empathy and inner beauty that I was mystified she was mine. Oh but I knew there would come a day. Years of schooling, hours upon hours of hard work and many emails of papers sent for my review. I admit that some of them I hardly understood the concepts. I was impressed and in awe. Who was this young woman and where had my baby gone? No more barrettes haphazardly dangling. No butterfly kisses and no books to be read. I knew there would come a day.
I tell you as I write this, I can not fight the tears. I welcome them as much as the memories I so dearly hold. They are tears of life…living…loving. A new chapter is soon coming. But not so long ago, we had one more of those delightful dressing room days, just her and I. She was twirling again- this time in a long white dress…her face all aglow…and I watched her, my little girl….and I knew…there would come a day.